The act of forgiveness

One of my core values and what I aim to achieve in life is freedom. This has been the case for as long as I can remember, which I believe has roots in a messy childhood. A messy childhood full of wounds that I have spent years healing and moving forward from, which is why it came as a surprise when I, this summer, was reminded of a deeply routed wound that clearly needed attention.

As the Mind Architect, Peter Crone, so beautifully says: 'Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you are not yet free'.

To put a positive spin on this quote, what is really happening is that I have been made aware of an area in my life that holds a lot of pain, and now I have the opportunity to heal it and move forward from it with love and freedom.

The question remains; When something is incredibly painful, is it at all possible to forgive? Should I forgive it - will the people who hurt me then not win? And does forgiving require forgetting?

In my humble opinion, forgiving is an act of self-love. Something I advocate for in everything I do. Because when you forgive someone you take back your power.

Look at it this way; When you spend your days full of anger and resentment towards another person/other people, essentially all your energy is with them, wherever they are. Most of the time they might not even be aware of this, which makes it even worse, because you are then handing out all of your energy without any opportunity for resolution whatsoever. Ideally, if you can, you do two things: You make the tormentor(s) aware of the pain you have been through* and then you let go. By doing so, you stand up for yourself and then you subsequently take back your power. (*I appreciate that not everyone will have the opportunity to face the people who hurt them nor is it always advisable, so this step is very much a case by case basis.)

It is important to stress that these actions might never change any obvious physical outcomes. Whomever hurt you might never give you what you believe you want or need from them. But you can do something for yourself that is worth so much more: You can experience relief and you can reclaim your power.

Provocatively, some would claim that viewing forgiveness this way actually equips you with the ability to forgive anything that might have happened to you. You intentionally let go of the resentment and the anger. Instead you focus on your beautiful self, what you want from this life and how you want to do it. In other words, you shift from a state of anger and resentment to a state of love and creation. When you focus on love and creation, you focus on the now and on the future. You move forward emotionally and psychologically while you leave the past behind, where it belongs.

Forgiving and moving forward does not mean forgetting what happened to you. Whatever happened in the past will still be a part of your story and it will remain a guide in your life for future behaviour and boundaries. It might even serve as protection from repeating negative experiences.

Essentially forgiving without forgetting means separating the act of forgiveness (releasing bitterness and resentment) from the process of erasing memories. Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a process that brings emotional relief and personal growth while forgetting is neither necessary nor always possible.

So, if you are working through a process of forgiving, consider these steps as a way forward:

• Acknowledge and articulate what you are forgiving

• Set boundaries to guide any potential future interactions

• Turn your focus towards yourself in the now: Your needs and your dreams. Create.

Forgiving does not mean you are excusing wrongdoings. It simply means you are taking back your power, choosing emotional freedom and self-love while creating the life you, yourself, wish to lead. It's a way forward for your own peace without denying (or erasing) the impact of the past.