Magic Moments in 'The Messy Middle'

This weekend I left my young children in London with their father and flew to see my aging mother in Denmark. Some have no issue travelling without their children - I’m quite the opposite. Particularly when flying. And even more so when flying in adverse weather conditions, which was the case in Copenhagen on Friday. But I, thankfully, made it there safely, and got to spend time with my mother: The parent I lived with from I was born til I left home, who I surfed the highs and lows of a messy childhood with, and who I resemble the most.

My mother has Alzheimer’s, and sadly the disease is rapidly progressing these days, so I will be spending more hours on flights than I was hoping for this year, in order to get as much time with her as possible, while also being a good mother to my girls. It feels like being torn in two, like being caught in the middle and a bit like failing no matter where I am. Welcome to the messy middle.

Thankfully my children are old enough to understand the circumstances and I am blessed with a partner who happens to also be an amazing father to our girls. So when I do go, I can do so knowing our children are safe and loved. I am also lucky that my mother doesn’t expect me to be by her side constantly - she is simply grateful when I am. Nevertheless, these are the days where I wonder whether choosing to live abroad was the smartest move. Whether I will later regret not being closer during my mother’s final years. And to that question only time will have the answer.

This weekend, in the midst of all these difficult, conflicting, feelings, came magic. I built a snowman with my mother. Something we haven’t done together since I was a little girl, and it felt like a full circle moment with our roles now being reversed. The joy was undeniable and I take comfort in the fact that, now that I have returned to London, she can see our snowman from her kitchen window.

Our skiing snowman, surrounded by his friends.

I also witnessed my mother pick up a colouring pencil and use her fine motor skills for the first time in what I believe is a year. She drew and then she painted on top of it to sounds from my instrumental play list and nothing else. I sat next to her, doing art of my own, without saying a word. It was magical. I watched her, in flow and deep concentration, enjoying an activity she used to dip in and out of in her younger years. I haven’t seen her handwriting for such a long time, but this weekend I saw her art. And what’s more was I saw the look in her eyes, when she realised that she had made an (abstract) piece of art all by herself. I watched her grow a few inches and I saw a sparkle in her eye that I haven’t seen for a very long time. I feel deeply privileged to have had this moment with her and I will cherish the memory forever.

While these years are indeed messy, having just lost my father a few months ago and now watching my mother decline, there are magical moments to be found in all of it.

If you too are in the midst of these challenging times, I hope you feel supported by those around you and that you prioritise yourself too. Self care is particularly important when life is throwing curveballs at you.

One of my favourite, small but mighty, tools during these times is asking myself at night; ‘What went well today?’. Something always went well - even on the darkest days. And once you get into the habit of asking yourself this particular question ever evening, your brain will be wired to look out for what goes well during the day in order to answer it, providing you with a positive focus, even when times are hard.

Should you be struggling, please feel free to reach out, and we’ll tackle it together.