Is my partner right for me?

I came across a reel of Mel Robbins (American author, motivational speaker and podcast host) expressing her views on how you know whether a person is right for you. One of her questions was 'does your partner feel like home?'. She then goes on to ask things such as; 'Do you exhale in the presence of your partner? Can you be yourself around them? - important questions I believe we should all ask ourselves.

But let's stick to the first sentence; 'Does your partner feel like home?' It's an interesting one. Because what is home? What kind of home did you come from? And what is your home in yourself like? From my perspective this is where the key to relationship happiness is and where inner work becomes crucial. Let me explain.

95% of the time we function from our subconscious - the part of our mind that is in charge of our automatic behaviours such as walking, running, brushing our teeth and yes, interacting with other people. Our subconscious is predominantly coded/formed during the first 0-7 years of our lives (0-14 if we are generous). In essence this means that we live most of our lives on the basis on whatever happened in our childhood (unless we actively do something to change is - such as RTT). This explains why someone who might have been subject to abuse will often be attracted to partners that have the tendency to continue this pattern. Or someone who has experienced neglect will have a partner who doesn't pay them much attention. Our nervous systems seek to create the same environment in our grown-up lives as the one we grew up in. We seek the familiar, which makes it 'feel like home' - but, as per my above examples, familiar isn't always healthy or something to strive for.

So how do we know whether the place we feel at home in is healthy for us? Well, how do you feel in that relationship? It's familiar, yes. It feels like home, yes. But do you feel good around your partner? Seen? Respected? Understood? Loved? Wanted? Does your body relax when you walk in the front door? Do you get to be exactly who you are around your partner?

It's important to stress that if the answer is 'no' to any of these questions, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are in the wrong relationship, that your partner is a bad person - or that you are a bad person, for that matter. If you're stuck with a question along the lines of 'Is my partner right for me?', please breathe. Your answer to these questions simply mean there's an opening here for some inner work.

In most cases relationships require a lot of work. We can't expect two people to show up with all their bagage and subconscious patterns and then it's smooth sailing from there. Even those with the most harmonious of upbringings have issues (and that's ok too). Which is why I would add another question to ask yourself before committing to another person; 'Is this person willing to put in the work?' And by this I mean, is the person willing to look at the ugly sides of themselves and try to change while allowing you to do the same?

If you are reading this and panicking slightly because your partner refuses to put in the work or you simply are too afraid to ask, please don't worry. While you can't change other people, remember that when you yourself change, everything and everyone around you changes. When you change your energy changes and those around you will change accordingly whether they realise it or not. It pays to start with yourself. In fact, sometimes this is the best place to start.

When we work on the home we have within ourselves - the most important home you will ever have - we stand stronger when the storm hits. Think of yourself as a house; You want to build a solid foundation, so no weather can take you down. And this is where your childhood plays a big role, because subconsciously you created your foundation during those important years. But even if your upbringing wasn't great, you can refurbish your foundation. As a grown-up you can create a sturdy version made of the most robust materials, so that your house can withstand just about anything - all in the name of love. Self-love.

When you love yourself, your foundation is so strong that you indirectly (and sometimes directly) have the ability to show others how best to love you. Self-love is an area of life that very few people have mastered before entering a relationship, which is why relationships might be hard work, but they can also be some of the most rewarding experiences we get to have. Being in a relationship is like having a mirror put up in front of you, and very often the reflection will find several ways of saying 'Right, something is off here - let's get to work!'.

So yes, if you are in doubt, do ask yourself whether your partner feels like home - it's a very relevant and important question. But don't stop there. Keep the questions coming; What is home to you? What kind of home did you come from? What is your internal home like? What does it feel like when you 'come home'? Can you be yourself in that home? Once you have your answers, get to work. And if you need help, you know where to find me.